(StatePoint)

 Putting yourself first may be the key to improving your relationships with others. While this may not sound like an intuitive way to improve your friendships, some experts now believe that by connecting with who we are at the core, we can become more aware of how our feelings govern our interactions and make better choices in the way we communicate. Transformation coach Sally Anderson, author of “Freefall: Living Life Beyond the Edge” (Morgan James Publishing 2012), believes that many of us act with a “default identity,” a way of being that is shaped by our past pain and experiences and our unrecognized feelings. She says that this disassociation from who we really are can be a source of dysfunction in our relationships. But recognizing these problems can be challenging, experts warn. You must be prepared for some honest reflection.

Some of the signs that you’re allowing your unconscious thoughts to sabotage your relationships include:

 • Making the assumption that the other person is in the wrong when your expectations are not met.

 • Placing conditions on your love.

• Displaying a victim mentality.

• Feeling powerless.

• Being resentful.

• Reacting defensively.

• Listening to others in a negative context.

• Becoming withdrawn in your relationships.

• Questioning your commitment to others. The failure to recognize the source of your feelings is a lot like the annoying static you hear when you aren’t properly tuned in to a radio station. So instead of just reacting the next time you’re upset with someone, try tuning-in to yourself. You may find your first reaction isn’t the best reaction. This awareness is crucial to better communication and functional relationships, according to Anderson, who advises taking the following helpful steps:

• Commit to an empowered relationship, don’t just want one.

• Realize that forgiving is not condoning an act.

• Know that when someone specifically aims judgment at you personally, it never has anything to do with you. Quite the contrary, it says more about them than it does about you!

• Take responsibility for your own emotional and mental state and avoid placing blame on others.

• Love unconditionally.

• Be willing to transform yourself. “Extraordinary relationships are possible for those willing to be open, transform themselves, truly listen, and love unconditionally,” says Anderson. “By doing so, we can achieve a level of insight into ourselves and one another that we never thought possible.” For more tips on how self-awareness can improve your relationships, visit www.freefallselfimprovement.com. It just may be that you need to focus more on yourself to become better at dealing with others.